Wicked Pete's Guitar Tips
Y'know, folks are always saying to me, "Pete, I've never heard a guitar sound quite like that before. How/why do you do it?" The answer is, it's quite simple...a child of six could do it, but he asked for too much money and I was the logical replacement. Therefore, it falls upon me to give you my tips for becoming a "master" of the "guitar".

The other thing folks always ask is, "Pete, what's that smell?" That I don't know, sorry.

If you forget what note is next in a song, play a C. Every chord has a C in it. Also a D. There's an H, an O and an R in there, too, but I don't know where those are on the guitar.

It's a known fact that if you want to impress other men, you should play as fast as possible, and if you want to get maidens, you should play slow, weepy ballads. To determine the proper tempo for a song, simply divide the number of codpieces in an audience by the number of fragrant, heaving bosoms to get the appropriate number of beats per minute.

If you want to be an effective soloist, learn your modes. These include the Dorian mode, the Lydian mode, the Mixeduplydian mode, the Eyeonion mode (good for songs that make you cry), the Phryggin' mode, or, if all your music is crap, the Com mode.

I've found that tuning is most effective when it's done before a show rather than after. You can get an A by striking a common wine glass or by firmly pinching a maiden of roughly eleven stone in weight. If you do the pinching right, you may get some T as well.

If you're not breaking a string at least once every four songs, you're not hitting the guitar hard enough. Ideally, if you're playing correctly, your hand should smash right through the front of the guitar during each song (this is how the soundhole was developed). Unfortunately, it's very expensive to play this way, so the compromise is to break as many strings as possible. If you are having difficulty breaking strings consistently, take up an instrument more suited to your temperament, such as the castrati piccolo or the cotton-filled wussaphone.

Just as French is the Language of Love and German is the Language of Phlegm, Italian is apparently the Language of Music, as it's plastered all over every piece of sheet music ever written. This is done to make the music seem intellectual and artsy and to give musicians some more much-needed jargon to bandy about in front of laymen. Here are definitions of just a few of the musical terms you should know:

Piano: played on a piano, duh.
Pianissimo: played on a piano some more.
Mezzo piano: played messily on a piano.
Forte: played from the ramparts of a fort.
Andante: played from within an inferno. Literally, "to the teeth".
Sforzando: ignore this, this direction's only for some guy named Zando.
Allegro: what happens when you cut a leg off a salamander.
Accelerando: played in canon by cellos. Of course, playing in canon can be very dangerous if it's been loaded.
Largo: played bigly; opposite of smallo.
Rubato: a hybrid of rhubarb and tomatoes (not recommended for pie).
Staccato: a pile of rubatoes.
Legato: a hybrid of a rubato and a centipede.
Glissando: this means that the composer was unsure what note to write, so just smear your hand across the surface of your instrument.
Pizzicato: cat pee; in other words, a lingering song that never quite goes away.